One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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