I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
