He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
you never un-have a 4some
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
