i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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