put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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