You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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