his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We had to coat check the pizza.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
