too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
