I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
