my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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