my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
