apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
