my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The struggles of a small town man whore
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
