Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
