remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
