Four minutes until I can fart!
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
