I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
