have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I look excited, but its just a facade.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
