I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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