mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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