your thong is hanging out like whoa
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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