when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I cut my penus on the lid.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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