i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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