yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
