nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
