Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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