You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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