True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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