I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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