can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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