the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
