Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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