i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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