Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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