I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
