The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
