I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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