don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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