cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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