Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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