I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize