Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
