Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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