one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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