worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
