Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
