I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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