yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
