So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
