Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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