i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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