Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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