I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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