I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
