What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
