you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
