I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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