Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
