Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
