And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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