It's Friday. Sex?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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