as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
