i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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