I looked at my own cervix.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
