You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
