I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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