note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
